All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
