remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
