I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
