he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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