Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I enjoy the company of your penis
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
