I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
