Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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