I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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