loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
