you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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