im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
