I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
