Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
