He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
