it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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