just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
