He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
