There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
