a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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