Define "chronic" masturbator.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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