He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
