Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
