I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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