Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
