i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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