My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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