I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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