I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
