I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
