Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
