Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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