I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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