Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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