Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You left your underwear on the fireplace
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
