and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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