Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
