Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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