First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
