Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
