guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
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