I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
where are my eyebrows?
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