did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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