YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
