Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
