i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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