chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
