if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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