Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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