I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
