Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
