Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
tonight lets celebrate not being married
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
