JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
