there was a trapeze. enough said
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
