Can Purell be used as lube?
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
