Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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