I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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