Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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