If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
