did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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