I just pynch a tree in the face
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
