Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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